Second Guessing

Yesterday was seven weeks since I fell and broke my femoral neck, which was the day my New York surgeon said I could start wearing my prosthesis and start ambulating.

But, the x-ray I had on Tuesday said the fracture was not totally healed, so I wanted to hear from him until I did anything.

I messaged him and a couple of Hopkins doctors. The first person I heard back from was his PA, who told me he thought the x-rays looked good but before I did anything else, I should wait until I hear back from my surgeon, who is currently out of the country and so I would not hear from him until the evening.

And just like that, I heard from him around 8 pm. He wrote that I could start wearing my prosthesis but only walk minimally, using my walker.

I could hardly imagine better news, and I went to sleep happy.

Until I put on my prosthesis. It hurt. My hip, where the broken bone was, did not hurt, but my outer thigh, near where my knee would be if I had one, hurt. It felt like muscle pain, and I surmised that after seven weeks of doing nothing but sitting or lying, my muscles were out of shape. I did take a few steps, but mostly, I moved my leg around to try to wake up the muscles.

Over the last few days I had written my rehab physicians several times, but I had heard nothing. But at around 6 pm this evening, she called. I told her what was going on, and while she agreed it was time to once again wear my prosthesis, she thought my thigh pain could be referred pain from the fracture. She told me to be careful, but I could do range of motion exercises.

So was it referred pain, or was it pain from muscles that had done nothing for almost two months? So I emailed my surgeon again to get him to weigh in. Maybe I will hear from him this evening,or maybe he is busy at meetings or on vacation.

So, of course, I started second guessing myself. Should I have had surgery on the fracture? Rehab doc wanted me to, surgeon did not. Literature says someone my age should have surgery. But I am more fit than most people my age, and after way too many trips to the OR, I dreaded another.

But maybe I was wrong. Truth be told, if I had had surgery, I would be further along in recovery than I currently am. But at what cost? Another piece of metal in my body. Another bout of anesthesia.

I just don't know.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and we are having a small gathering. With Jerry's help, we will put together a great dinner, but I had hoped to do more.

I think it comes down to, I am sick of this shit. I am tired of the wheelchair. I am tired of pain.

But I do need to remember, we all heal and progress on our own schedule. So maybe another week. Or two mostly using the wheelchair. In the longrun, does it really matter?

Nope.

My life contines not much differently. I had a friend over today to work on a business plan. Jerry picked up takeout tonight from a vegan barbecue place.

I remind myself, this is my dance. Sometimes it's a slow dance, as it is right now.

But it is on my terms, and I will continue to work on not stressing about it. There are way more serious issues in the world than what I am dealing with. I remind myself I have come so far, and I will get there.