Identity

I’m a survivor. NED. In remission. Yes, I am all of those things. But what am I, really? I am tired. I’m partially bald. I have pieces of eyebrows and eyelashes. The nerves in my feet are screwed up. I might not have cancer but I’m not better. And I’m looking over my shoulder. It’s only been a few weeks since I finished chemo and I now receive maintenance infusions every other week as part of a clinical trial. So all of this in remission stuff is new. But other than glioblastoma, which always comes back, I’m not sure there is another cancer with such a high rate of recurrence. There very well could be; I’m just not aware of it, and let’s face it, I had ovarian cancer so it’s kind of a focus, you know? My hope is as I get stronger, and I feel I’m getting stronger every day, I won’t be so obsessed. But I still check Facebook groups more than once a day, I still do searches, I still read what I can. It’s not keeping me up at night, and I thank CBD oil for that, but I doubt an hour goes by when somehow, someway, I don’t think about it. So while I am looking less and less like a cancer patient, there is still part of me that feels like one. And even without that, I feel as if I am trying to find that crystal ball that will tell me if, or when, it will recur. A new friend who has been about on the same schedule albeit a few months ahead of me has already had a recurrence. I will say she is handling it beautifully, despite not having the best support system. And then there are women I am aware of who have gone more than 10 years without recurrence. I wonder, do they still think about it? Do they worry? They are still involved in the community so it makes me think they still have some thought about it. I have no idea what the future will being. There’s the old “I could get hit by a truck tomorrow” which is just another way to say I need to live for today and not dwell so much on the future. But it’s hard. Again, I hope as I get stronger and I get more hair I will have at least some respite from my thoughts and fears. So I will keep working on it and look forward to keeping my mind, and body, busy with other things.