Survivor’s Guilt
At the shiva house, my friend’s husband asked me how I was doing. Great, I told him. I told him I was on a PARP inhibitor and had high hopes for success. He said they worked for quite a while for his wife, and he wondered if she should have tried another. But of course, they couldn’t go back in time. His wife was gone, though she did not ever give up. And I’m still here. I might not ever do another long distance (or even short distance) bike ride and climbing steps is hell. But I’m here. And I know no one begrudges me my successful surgery and chemo. Or at least I think they don’t. And I know if the situation were reversed I would be happy for any friend or aquaintence. So why do I feel guilty? I look at my life and it is pretty wonderful. So why do I feel like crap? As I examine my feelings, perhaps what I imagine as guilt is just incredible sadness. I want the women I know who are struggling with this disease to get better, to have the results I have had. Just like my friend’