Survivor’s Guilt

At the shiva house, my friend’s husband asked me how I was doing. Great, I told him. I told him I was on a PARP inhibitor and had high hopes for success. He said they worked for quite a while for his wife, and he wondered if she should have tried another. But of course, they couldn’t go back in time. His wife was gone, though she did not ever give up.

And I’m still here. I might not ever do another long distance (or even short distance) bike ride and climbing steps is hell. But I’m here.

And I know no one begrudges me my successful surgery and chemo. Or at least I think they don’t. And I know if the situation were reversed I would be happy for any friend or aquaintence. So why do I feel guilty?

I look at my life and it is pretty wonderful. So why do I feel like crap?

As I examine my feelings, perhaps what I imagine as guilt is just incredible sadness. I want the women I know who are struggling with this disease to get better, to have the results I have had. Just like my friend’s husband I play “what if.”

And in reality, I don’t know what the future will bring. I have a strong belief that the PARP inhibitors will keep the cancer from recurring. I am so confident that I will have my port removed soon. I am making travel plans for more than a year out.

I mourn with and for the people who have been left behind. I mourn for lives that have been cut short. For what could have and should have been.

I guess the best thing I can do is support my friends who are struggling and live the best life I can live. It sounds trite, but unless someone’s got a better idea, I feel that is the best I can do.