The Unbearable Darkness of Being

A low day. A very low day. While I can think of a lot of things to blame it on, most likely it is due to lack of sleep. For about the past week, the CBD oil that has been so helpful in getting me to relax has done nothing. I am taking a very long time to fall asleep, and I am waking up numerous times a night. And it’s leaving me very cranky. In reality I have had a good week. Nice day at the shelter, acupuncture, biweekly infusion and last night’s support group. We had two new members last night; one who has had a recurrence, the other is in maintenance after her initial diagnosis. It’s a wonderful group of women and I am so comfortable with them. I had some potentially difficult things to talk about, and the advice and compassion I got was helpful and comforting. Jerry has been very busy this week so I have been spending a good bit of time alone, and I am listening to far too much MSNBC. Though I feel as if the news could be taking a turn for the better, but it still gets kind of lonely. Perhaps a good night’s sleep might help. I am staffing an event for the shelter tomorrow and I am hoping that will be fun and energizing. Looming over is the scan I get in 10 days. I have no reason to believe it won’t be anything but good news. And there is no reason to put my life on “hold” until the scan, so I’m trying to reach out to more friends. I’m not entirely successful, but I am making an effort. But as we all know it is a vicious cycle. Or perhaps a spiral. Writing usually helps but I still feel pretty crappy. But I’m making a nice dinner tonight, and maybe I will drink some very good wine that will help me sleep. And tomorrow, whether I feel like it or not, I will put on a BARCS t-shirt, slap on a smile and prepare myself to face the day.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Can’t Catch a Break

except for the one in my femur. After I fell a couple weeks ago I got in touch with my primary care physician's office and went in for x-rays. Nothing terrible showed up so we prepared to go to Tbilisi with my wheelchair, figuring after a couple of days I wouldn't need it. Fortunately our Tbilisi apartment had a lift and doorways wide enough for my wheelchair, so I knew I would be okay until I could use my prosthesis again. But as each day went by my leg got no better, so we made the tough decision to go home early, leaving the same day as our traveling companions. Traveling on a commercial flight using a wheelchair was a nightmare, but that's a story for another time. The day after we got back I saw my rehab doctor, Dr. Gonzalez, and she ordered another set of x-rays, and this time the news was not so good. The images showed a non-displaced hairline fracture at the top of my femur. When I spoke to Dr. Gonzalez, she told me she had spoken to one of the orthopedic sur...
Read more

All Fall Down. Again

My physical therapist warned me: the more I walk the more I'm going to fall so I'd better get used to it. But this last one was a doozy. We had come home from a lovely Rosh Hashanah dinner at my cousins' and went upstairs. I remembered I had left my phone downstairs and wanted to see my daily step count, so I headed back down to get it. I sat down on the couch to look at it, got up, and after perhaps one step my prosthetic foot decided not to move, and down I went. It was a similar fall to the one I took in Mexico City, only more so. The pain and anguish had me howling. Since I still had my phone I called Jerry to help me up. Only I couldn't get up. Just like in Mexico City. Jerry went to the garage and once again, got my wheelchair. He removed my prosthesis and helped me into the chair. He got me upstairs and helped me undress and get into bed. I downed a megadose of Ibuprofen and attempted to get comfortable. Ha! I suppose comfort is relative. I did get som...
Read more

Cha Cha Cha

This week, six years ago, I had my last chemo. It seems like a lifetime ago. My check-ups have gone from every month, to every three months, and now to every six months. A big Woo Hoo. Also, just about this week two years ago was when I got hit by a bus in London. I went from not being able to walk or use my arms to where I am now-- walking with a cane and even driving a car. I'm back volunteering at the shelter and taking Pilates. A couple of weeks ago I starting getting pretty bad heartburn, which I had six years ago. It led me to a gastroenterologist who ultimately diagnosed my ovarian cancer. So when it returned, I made an appointment with a gynecological oncologist who scheduled a CT scan. The good news was there was no ovarian cancer recurrence. The not so good news, or should I say the up in the air news, was that the CT scan showed a mass in my bladder. A small mass-- only about a half inch-- but a mass nonetheless. Today I saw a urologicsl oncologist. I was hoping he ...
Read more