Sunshine on a Rainy Day

For a while I was staying home way too much and was pretty depressed about it. And it was like pulling teeth to get me to go anywhere, particularly by myself. I was feeling worthless and was dwelling on myself. But then a couple of things happened. One, I went to a couple of sessions of counseling. I know I only went twice, but it made a difference. I probably should keep going, but to be honest, I don't really want to dwell on what was making me feel bad to work on it. Perhaps I'm being lazy, but I'm also feeling good. I've been through too much shit lately to "work" on myself. I think I want to just take these few tools and drag them out when I need them. The most important one was to recognize negative thinking, deal with it, and move on. And it has been what I've been doing. It has given me energy, and I'm doing more, even by myelf. I have a friend in a very similar place and we get together and remind each other that we are pretty great, and it is going to take a while after a cancer diagnosis and chemo to be ourselves. I'm still more tired than I was, which is either residual efects or a side effect from the immunotherapy, and I try to remind myself of that. That, and while in my head I'm still 30, my body says otherwise. And speaking of immunotherapy, I continue to feel convinced that it is working for me. I am not constantly looking over my shoulder for the cancer demon to return. I have a scan in a couple of weeks and I'm not terrorized by that. I am confident I will get good news. Last week in support group we had a new woman who has been recently diagnosed, and it felt good to be there and supportive for her. And while I look forward to the support group, I am spending less time on online OC groups. I want to be there to be supportive of others, but it becomes difficult when there is just too much pseudoscience and quackery being posted. I'm all for supplements-- I take several-- but they are not going to replace western medicine So I will let people believe what they want to believe, and live my life. What I am doing is volunteering for an event that Johns Hopkins produces every year; it's a walk/run for gynecological cancers. We start meeting soon and I am excited about putting my energy there. And I'm still volunteering at the shelter. This weekend is our big event, Barcstoberfest, and I have stopped stressing that I have raised less money this year. I admit I was angry at some people whom I have supported year after year in their fundraising endeavors and they have not reciprocated with even $5.00, which is what I was asking for. But that is that, and I will likely be more supportive of others. It might sound vindictive, and perhaps it is, but I guess I'm a fan of quid pro quo. So it's raining today, but I'm happy. I need to make a run over to the shelter to pick up supplies for tomorrow's event, but otherwise I'm hanging out with the kitties. And this evening I'm going out to dinner with a bunch of girlfriends, most of whom I have not seen for a while. Looking forward to it. Life is good.

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