A Hole in My Safety Net

Yesterday, I discovered that my immunotherapy clinical trial is being stopped. It has not benefitted enough patients to warrant the expense of continuing. I am devastated. I was, and am still, convinced that it is helping me. And my experience reporting on clinical studies reminds me that I met patients who greatly benefited from drug trials that were ultimately not approved.

I am on vacation in New Mexico, and I am thankful yesterday was an activity-filled day that helped me keep my mind off of it. The four of us went to Meow Wolf in Santa Fe, and it lived up to its hype. It was fascinating, delightful and just plain fun. We were there for several hours and my guess is we missed some areas because by design, there is no one way to see everything. Hidden doors lead to new areas; walking through a refrigerator or sliding down the entrance to a dryer takes you someplace else.

For dinner we went to a local winery restaurant. The food was quite good, but the wine was a bit on the sweet side for our tastes. Nonetheless we enjoyed ourselves. We watched “Roma” on Netflix when we got back to our apartment.

By bedtime I was not so anxious and depressed. I have a very good doctor and I meet with her next week. Perhaps there is another trial or treatment for me. Perhaps we will continue to monitor via CA-125 and CT scans. I am doing my best not to have it overwhelm my thoughts. But I cannot deny I am frightened. Ovarian cancer has a high probability of recurring, and I felt so safe on the trial. I had bloodwork done every two weeks, a CA-125 test every six weeks and a scan every twelve weeks. I don’t like the idea of being out there on my own. But for now I will do my best to push negative thoughts to the back of my mind and wait until I meet with my doctor.

We’ve got the Weather Channel on and heavy snow is predicted for the area. So it might be a day for watching movies or reading, or walking someplace close by. I will do my best to keep negative thoughts overwhelming me during this down time. Just writing this out helps me so much. The writer me tends to be far more rational than the rest of me.

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