The New Normal

I was accepting my immunotherapy trial being cancelled pretty well. Then I got a cold. Immediately, my mind went to a dark place. My immune system is no longer kicking ass. I recalled when Jerry got a cold and I didn’t get one. So of course, getting a cold means my immune system will no longer kill cancer cells and I will have a recurrence.

And most of me knows this is nuts. I got a cold. I took zinc lozenges and my cold is pretty mild. Or maybe it’s mild because my immune system is still reaping the benefits of my year of immunotherapy. But it is so easy to sink into negative thinking. Especially when I wasn’t feeling great.

But today is a new day. I’m making black bean soup, and later Jerry and I will go do something exciting like go to Trader Joe’s. It’s too cold, at least for me, to take a walk outside, so we will take a walk inside a store.

My neuropathy does not seem to be improving but I guess I’m learning to live with it. I’m working on my balance and would like to try to dance again. I’m upping my volunteering at the animal shelter to two days a week and I’m looking for other things to do. One of the side effects of the immunotherapy, really the only side effect, was diminished energy. And I know if I don’t get more active my energy will stagnate.

Chemo seems like a lifetime ago, though in reality, it has been six months. I know how fortunate I am to be in remission. With any luck it will last a lifetime. But I don’t take it for granted. I’m looking over my shoulder less, but I’m still looking. I am reminded every day of how fortunate I am. I am reminded every time I bound up the stairs, feed the cats and scoop poop at the shelter.

I have a great life! I can’t wait to be in remission for a year so I can volunteer at Hopkins to peer-counsel other women. I can’t wait to be more politically active. The world is a kind of sucky place right now. There is so much hate and divisiveness. I’m happy to have the energy to do what I can, albeit a small way, to make change.

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