Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I had my last Carboplatin. I still had two Taxols and six months of immunotherapy ahead, but it was definitely a day to remember.

The last carbo was no picnic. I remember being pretty sick, but I knew that since my numbers were going down it was, indeed, going to be my last for at least the immediate future.

This past year has been one of adjustment, acceptance, frustration and optimism. The end of December brought the end of my immunotherapy trial, cancelled by the drug maker. I was devastated. I was confident it was helping me, and it left me feeling vulnerable. But shortly thereafter my oncologist tested my tumor and since it was BRCA positive, she started me on a PARP inhibitor, Lynparza.

Lynparza has come with its own set of pluses and minuses. The minus is additional fatigue, and initially it made me sicker than chemo. My doctor reduced my dose which helped with the sickness, and we have been upping it slowly. The fatigue, though, stays with me.

Jerry and I just took an amazing three week vacation— one we had planned to take a year ago, and it was everything we could have hoped for, and more. Iceland for a couple of days, then a week in Belarus and 10 days in Georgia. We visited friends in Belarus and Georgia and they were determined to show us the absolute best of their countries. It was incredible! But at times my fatigue was overwhelming. But I didn’t want to be “that person.” You know, the one who cuts the evening short because she is exhausted, or who has got to take a break in the middle of the day. I did my best to power through the exhaustion. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it left me so tired and cranky that I am sure my hosts thought I wasn’t having a good time. I did my best to reassure them that I was having an amazing time. In reality I am not sure I would have done anything differently. This was a trip of a lifetime. And I wanted to do it all.

Today is day two of being home and I am catching up on sleep and getting used to hours of time change and jet lag. I’m taking it easy, napping when I need to but still trying to be at least a little active. I’m sure in a day or two I will slide back into routine.

Had I not gotten sick and we had taken this trip a year ago, as we had originally planned, it would have been different. We might have done even more, and we would have taken fewer cabs at the end of the day. But I have to accept that I am different. Cancer changed me. The medication I am taking has changed me. Yes, I get more tired. Stamina isn’t what it once was. But I am so damn glad to be here! I appreciate every day. I embrace what I can accomplishlish, not what I can no longer do. It is who I am and I am proud of all I can do. I will keep moving forward, no matter what the size of the steps.

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