Living in the Twilight Zone

I don’t think any of us could have predicted we would have our life out on hold for such a long length of time.

And I know I could never have predicted my reaction.

I know I am luckier than some of my friends who are living with active disease. I am on a maintenance drug that messes a little bit with my blood count and energy, but other than that I am as normal as it gets. So why am I so frightened?

As another friend wrote, I did not go through hell to survive cancer to be taken out by the Corona virus. I am afraid if I contract COVID-19 it will kill me. Maybe this is rational; maybe it is not.

Jerry and I go out for a walk every day. If someone is coming the other direction I walk in the street. I don’t think that is unreasonable. We did a big shopping trip to Trader Joe’s this week, and with an every other Saturday delivery of produce, I don’t think I need to go shopping for another couple of weeks. And I think I will stick to Trader Joe’s because they are limiting the number of people in the store, sanitizing carts, and all the employees are wearing masks.

And speaking of masks, Jerry is very hesitant to wear one. In many ways I agree. It is useful for people who have it to wear them to keep others from getting it. I am not sure how useful it is if you don’t have it. Nevertheless, I am going to wear one next time I go to the store.

I am making strides with the foster cat I took in. He purred for the first time yesterday. He still gets overstimulated easily, but we are taking it slow. I visit with him a couple of times a day. While I don’t think I should give blood, Buying restaurant gift certificates and taking in a foster cat have been my contributions.

I hear 45 talking about “opening” the country at the end of the month. It is likely too soon and that scares me even more than I am now. I will likely continue to stay inside longer. I won’t be ready for restaurants or exercise classes, though I will likely go back to the animal shelter when it allows volunteers. Somehow I feel safe there.

I am not sure what it is I need to do to make myself feel less afraid, more safe. A big reason I keep this blog is to work through problems I am having. It has mostly been related to coping with cancer, and in a lot of ways, dealing with this is related. Before I had cancer I considered myself someone who was incredibly healthy. I referred to myself as “structurally unsound,” resulting in a back surgery and knee replacements, but really, I did not get sick.

This is coupled with the person I see in the mirror. She has grey hair and wrinkles. Who the hell is she? I am one of those people who, if I got up early enough, could shop at the supermarket at 6 am for “senior hour,” before the store gets crowded and germy.

So, I suppose this pandemic has made me take a closer look at who I am. I am old, I am a cancer survivor, and I am not the same person I was even five years ago. But what does this revelation really change? It has certainly made me more frightened, but perhaps it is not unreasonable. We live in a time of mixed messages and uncertainty. Erring on the side of being over cautious might be what keeps me alive. And maybe that is not such a bad thing.