Kaboom!

I think I mentioned before that I cried just about every day when I was on the ward at the hospital in London. But those were mostly tears-filled eyes begging for Jerry to get me home. But yesterday was the real thing. The explosion. Sobbing. Ugly crying. The thing is, looking back,I can't even remember what triggered it. But it was likely one of the common themes-- I can't even walk across the room to make a cup of coffee. Jerry has to do everything for me. I spend my day on the couch. And then the thoughts got darker. Well, at least I'm almost 70 so I won't have long to live like this. Imagine if this happened when I was 30! If I had died, Jerry would grieve but then he'd at least have a chance to get on with his life, unencumbered. I knew at that point I better look for help. I called the rehab department, because according to their website, they offer counseling. But I was told I needed a referral, and I don't see the rehab doc for another couple weeks. But at least by this point I had calmed down enough to start thinking. I guess I sorta forgot I'm getting better every day. Wounds are healing. The arms and shoulders are getting more mobile. My left leg is getting stronger. And my Holy Grail-- I will eventually be able to use my arms and my PT will get me on a walker or crutches. And I'm working at familiarizing and becoming friends with what's left of my right leg. The wound care nurse told me to moisturize it, so I'm doing that and massaging it. It still feels kind of alien-- like I'm touching something that is really not a part of me-- but I will keep working at it and become more comfortable. I know this ain't no sprint. And most of the time I am fully aware of that. And I will continue to have my moments. Of all kinds. But today I will read a book, do my exercises, and eat anything but felafel for dinner.

Comments

  1. Helen SzablyaAugust 19, 2022 at 10:53 AM

    Kaboom is right! You have every reason to cry -- it's your party, you can cry if you want to. It may be an ugly party that you didn't plan, but it's yours. And, you are taking charge of it. Jerry married you because he loves you. And, one of the joyful parts of being married is helping the other when they need it. Jerry knows that this situation is temporary and that you will eventually be self sufficient. Because you are Carol Hyman and that's what you do! YOU move on when you are able. The feelings that you have are normal! When I had my big surgery and chemo I also wished that I had just died so that Chuck didn't have an albatross around his neck. But, he came home from work everyday and was just happy to know that I was there...even though I couldn't do anything. Please know that I (along with hundreds of others) are thinking of you each day and sending you powerfully positive thoughts for your strength to grow. You will be self sufficient again. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!

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