Exhaustion

Who knew having one's chest sawed open would be so tiring. Since I got home on Saturday, I have barely left the bed.

This little adventure has definitely pushed back my rehab and recovery, likely by months. No lifting until December, which means no weight bearing, so no crutches or walker.

I am doing my best to take this in stride, but it's damn hard. My dear friend Nancy's son Nathan, when he was two or three, had a favorite expression: That Not Fair! I hear that little voice in my head multiple times a day. But then I play the it could be worse game. I could be dead. I could have no chance of recovery. I'm not dead. And to some extent, I will recover.

I am honestly unsure how I would cope with another setback. Is it three strikes, you're out? If you count my ovarian cancer, I've used them up.

But I think I know better. I don't want to play comparisons or can you top this, but despite it all, my life is pretty good. I have a loving spouse and wonderful friends and relatives cheering me on. And a team of world-class providers at Hopkins.

Let me be clear: I don't owe anyone a damn thing. If I'm going to get through this it is for no one but myself. There will be days when I might not want to work hard, so I won't. There is no bargaining here. No tradeoffs.

But I will cut myself some slack. I tried to do some arm exercises today and it hurt more than I could deal with. But I go to OT tomorrow, and I will make some progress.

The coming weeks will bring more provider visits, more hard work, and, inevitably, some disappointment. And I will get pissed off and feel defeated. But then something good will happen. Please do't ask me what that is; I don't have a clue. But it will happen. But right now I just need to go back to bed.

Comments

  1. MaureenSeptember 13, 2022 at 7:55 AM

    I wish with all my heart, Carol, that today something good -- really good -- will happen in your day. And again tomorrow and again every day after.

    ReplyDelete
  2. bryanurbsOctober 26, 2022 at 8:57 PM

    I could have told you getting sawed in half was overrated...but would you have listened to me? ;) Keep up all the great movement work...which is crazy tiring but it's rebuilding you day and night!! xx

    ReplyDelete

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