Life, Death, and Laser Beams

These last couple of weeks have had some serious highs and lows. A few days ago, quite unexpectedly, my friend Patty died in her sleep. She is someone I've known since college. After dinner, we'd go back to her room, get stoned, and watch the Patty Duke show. I'm sorry to say I introduced her to her first husband, but her second husband, Bob, is the kind of man she deserved. Smart, funny, talented. And while I do not really know her son, her daughter is a remarkable young woman, and she misses her mother desperately. They were best friends.

A couple of weeks ago our geriatric cat, SuSu, passed away. She had been sick, but with medication she rallied and returned to her feisty self, so it was a shock to find her lifeless body in the morning. I hope she died in her sleep, because she was all alone. I know we gave her several very good years, but I wasn't ready for her to leave us.

My journey with Leggy Mountbatten continues to progress. We were at a crowded event last night, so I mostly kept hold of Jerry's hand, but my step count yesterday was perhaps a new record. In physical therapy I am working on balance, and I continue to gain confidence.

This past Monday, I had my third laser treatment on the scars on my chest and arm, in hopes of reducing the pain. The procedure is done under general anesthesia, and it disrupts my sleep for several days, so I am hoping this third session will be my last.

As I get better and stronger, I forget sometimes how badly I wrecked my body, but I'm still here. There are times when I look at my disfigured leg and my multitude of scars and I get disgusted. I need to flip that and learn to look at them as symbols of perserverance. But it's damn hard. As a lifelong overachiever, and as someone who grew up being told that I was never good enough, I feel responsible for what happened to me. And in reality I am. But that doesn't mean I need to continue to beat myself up about it.

My friends continue to tell me how well I am doing, and I am working on internalizing that praise and making it feel real. My physical self has come a long way; it may be time for my mental self, and in turn, my confidence, to do the same.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Hit and a Miss

Yesterday was truly a red letter day. It started out in the morning with a visit to Barcs, the animal shelter where I volunteer. They were having a huge event with members of the Ravens, Baltimore's football team. On Sunday, I baked vegan chocolate chip cookies for the bake sale, and Jerry drove me over to deliver them. We figured while we were there, we'd socialize some cats. I generally head to the back room where the bite quarantine and sick kitties reside. They often get forgotten, so I like to make sure they get some good attention. After we left one of the rooms, one of the volunteer coordinators approached me to ask if I'd help some of the Ravens volunteer group who wanted to spend time with cats. They had a huge group and both volunteer coordinators needed to help those who wanted to walk dogs-- which was most of the group-- so I said yes, even though I was apprehensive. I'm self-conscious about being in a wheelchair, but I figured if Barcs needs help, I was n
Read more

Crying in Costco

Jerry and I usually do our Costco-Trader Joe's run every other Tuesday, but this week was busy every day but today. I knew Friday would be difficult, but we were out of everything, plus, friends are coming over for dinner tomorrow evening and I needed ingredients. At Costco,all of the handicapped spots were taken, of course, but somehow we lucked out and got a space not too far from the entrance. Jerry got my walker out and we headed in to get a motorized cart for me. Except there weren't any. We stood around for a bit and we decided that I would make a go of it using the shopping cart as my "walker." We completed the first row and I knew it was not going to work. The cart was not the height I needed and I knew I would never make it around the store. Jerry retrieved my walker and we once again positioned ourselves to see if someone would return one of those motorized carts. So we waited, and waited. A nice employee came by and said he would find one. See, it turn
Read more

All’s Well

That ends well. Today was a very very long. For me getting up at six a.m. hasn't happened since I rode AIDS Lifecycle. My normal get up time is eight a.m. then I spend the rest of the day doing pretty much nothing. Today, Jerry and I were out of the house at 6:30 a.m. to catch an early train to New York. Of course, after I bought the non-refundable tickets our appointments were pushed back an hour. Turns out that was not such a bad thing because it took quite a while to get from Penn Station to the Hospital for Special Surgery. And the address the HSS MyChart gave me turned out to be wrong, but we had time to get to my first appointment, which was to x-ray my femur. I was prepared for the surgeon to tell me I needed to wait a few more weeks before progressing. After all, I am old, and I have osteopenia, the precursor to osteoporosis. So despite taking multivitamins and calcium, I figured the standard four weeks post-surgery was not going to cut it. After x-rays, we went to my
Read more