Four More Weeks

I had x-rays last week and then a video conference with my New York surgeon on Friday. He says four more weeks non weight-bearing, and then, if x-rays look good, on to the walker, for probably another four weeks.

Atleast with the walker I will have more freedom. I will be able to drive and be more independent. Right now I feel trapped.

Today was a particularly bad day. I was home all day. The desire to go out is coupled with the desire to not go out while I use a wheelchair. Taking a ride in the car doesn't cut it for me. And I truly hate going places in the wheelchair.

The last couple of days I was as low as I can remember being. I had those thoughts that if I had died when the bus hit me Jerry would have moved on with his life, maybe even met someone new by now. He has to do pretty much everything around the house-- laundry, taking care of the cats, a lot of meal prep.

He is going away next week, and I really want him to. He will be doing flight instruction in Texas, and he loves that. I assured him I would be okay, though I know I will be lonely.

I do have plans for Saturday evening, although I did my best to sabotage them. I won't go into detail, but it is hard for me to ask for help, or even company. I spent most of my life being independent. I guess I feel like asking for help is a sign of weakness. I spent most of my life, since I was a preteen, taking care of myself and I hate that now I can't. I have friends who say call me if there is anything I can do. And you know damn well I don't.

Tomorrow evening Jerry and I are going out to dinner. Again, I will hate arriving in a wheelchair, but once we are at our table I will ditch the wheelchair for a real chair at the table.

When I was doing chemo more than one person told me I would be amazed at how fast it would go. I didn't believe them, but they were right. So now I am hoping the next four weeks will zoom by so I can have my life back.

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