Trauma

Maybe it is because I spent years working in hospitals, when I hear the word trauma, I think of severely injured patients-- broken bones, brain bleeds, mangled limbs. You know, kind of like me.

But when I went on the hunt to find books to help me understand and work through my trauma, everything I found was related to emotional trauma-- psychological abuse, childhood abandonment.

So I decided it was time to find a therapist to help me deal with the physical trauma I had experienced and continued to plague me-- reliving a moment that I wasn't sure how I could recover from, at least not on my own.

I have had several therapy sessions, and the interesting thing I have discovered is how those two types of trauma, at least for me, are really the same. As I relive that "accident," I am left with guilt, depression, sadness over a life I once knew, that I feel has been lost.

And isn't that, for the most part, what emotional trauma is? I think so.

While I don't have actual memories of what happened, I do have what I imagine happened. My hope is by working through this, I can stop picturing it, and in turn stop feeling the emotions that go along with this memory. The guilt, the deep feeling of loss, the sadness.

I believe this work will help me deal with other aspects of my life-- loneliness, worthlessness, because as I learn to deal with this trauma, my hope is I will become more comfortable with myself, helping me feel less lonely, despite spending so much time alone.

On a happier note, I have gone back to the shelter to socialize kitties. The cat population at Barcs is quite small, but delightful. It has allowed me time to socialize with some of the volunteers, as well as have some visits with staff.

My left knee has not fully healed and I still have a significant amount of pain, but at least I am well enough to get back this much missed, and much needed, part of my life.