Cabernet and an Allen Wrench

Our neighbors' anniversary and our anniversary are about a week apart, so we went out last night to celebrate. It was lovely. great food, wine, and company. We were there for three hours. The restaurant brought us little sweets and champagne at the end. While our actual anniversary is a few days away, yesterday was a very different anniversary for me. it was the anniversary of survival, of being strong, of surpassing expectations. Three years ago EMTs said they would have let me go had I not been so strong. These were the EMTs I talked to, told them my name, told them where I was, and finally asked them to knock me out because I was in so much pain. I remember little about the first two weeks; I remember a lot about the next six months, the toughest of my life. I am still recovering from the knee replacement revision I had nine weeks ago. But every day the pain is less and I get stronger. I am going back to Pilates this Friday. I decided to have another go at the YMCA. I wrot...

Maybe it is because I spent years working in hospitals, when I hear the word trauma, I think of severely injured patients-- broken bones, brain bleeds, mangled limbs. You know, kind of like me. But when I went on the hunt to find books to help me understand and work through my trauma, everything I found was related to emotional trauma-- psychological abuse, childhood abandonment. So I decided it was time to find a therapist to help me deal with the physical trauma I had experienced and continued to plague me-- reliving a moment that I wasn't sure how I could recover from, at least not on my own. I have had several therapy sessions, and the interesting thing I have discovered is how those two types of trauma, at least for me, are really the same. As I relive that "accident," I am left with guilt, depression, sadness over a life I once knew, that I feel has been lost. And isn't that, for the most part, what emotional trauma is? I think so. While I don't have a...

I had my two-week post surgery appointment today, and my surgeon is very pleased. He says I am ahead of the curve. But he also explained to me why I don't feel like I am. Despite only having to replace the worn out plastic spacers, he had to do a lot of looking around to make sure nothing else needed replacing. So lots of digging, exposing, which has resulted in lots of pain. But he is quite pleased with my extension and flexion, as are my physical therapists. Considering all I have been through, I really thought this recovery would be easier. I was wrong. And not having a knee and calf on the other leg doesn't help much. I can't get out of bed or off the couch myself, and even with help, it is excruciating. The surgeon wants me to continue to use a walker, which of course, I hate, but he doesn't want to risk a fall. Makes sense. He thinks I will likely be able to drive in a couple more weeks, and oh, how I hope so. Just being able to take myself to my own PT ap...

So surgery was Friday, I came home Sunday, and I had my first outptient physical therapy appointment today. Holy Sh*t! I know they needed to check my range of motion, but OMG! The pain was pretty outrageous. But the good part is knowing as my mobility comes back, the pain will decrease. And I will keep telling myself that. While oxycodone made me pretty darn sick, I'm taking another opiate in conjunction with an anti-nausea drug, and it does seem to reduce my pain, but it is making writing on the ipad... interesting. As I knew beforehand, all this would be a heck of a lot easier if I had two legs. But I don't, and I am doing what I can to adapt, which right now is having Jerry help me get up from bed or a chair. My hope is that this is temporary, and in day or three I will be able to do it on my own. I saw photos of the worn out pieces that were removed. Not only had the plastic thinned, but it had pretty well splintered. It was beyond time to have it repaired. So t...

I found Sophie 11 or 12 years ago when she was part of a community cat colony near my old condo in Baltimore. We were still living in California. Long story short, she was definitely not feral and likely had not been outside long. My friend Bart took her. A couple of years after we moved to Baltimore Bart's circumstances changed and Sophie came to live with us. Despite being well into her teens, up until a couple days ago Sophie romped like a cat less than half her age. It really hit home yesterday. As she lay next to me I could see her breathing was shallow and she was sleeping even more than usual. I called my vet this morning and they got her in. They took x-rays and one of her lungs is pretty much collapsed. It could be a tumor, but we are opting not to do anything invasive; she wouldn't survive it. We had a discussion with the vet. She is still eating and enjoying life, so we are going to take it day to day. It was important to me to get her in today, because tomorrow ...

Pilates is good for all of these things. It is no joke that when I got hit by that bus the EMTs told me if I had not been so strong they would have let me go. I thanked my Pilates instructor. It is also amazingly good for my brain. I started out the day full of snark, and after my session I let so much go. After the session, as I drove to physical therapy, I thought about why I do some of the things I do. I push. I challenge. I dare people to get angry with me, and when they do I can say aha! I knew it. Why would anyone like me. I know I have said this before, but since my accident, my world has gotten so much smaller. There are friends who I don't hear from for months, and others have dropped me. And these are people I did not push away. I have sung this song before, I know, but it came back today when I was thinking about my life and how I really want to make it better. Pilates is certainly one way. As my body gets stronger my brain gets clearer. Endorphins, perhaps. Also c...