Cabernet and Carboplatin

Week two of Taxol and I still feel good, so today I decided to spend it at home in the kitchen. I baked banana bread yesterday, and today I started out spatchcocking a chicken. I only burned myself once so I consider that a victory. While the chicken cooked I pulled out the Instant Pot and made cauliflower Mac and cheese. So easy! Turned the cauliflower into rice-sized pieces in the food processor and threw it into the pot with macaroni, water and a little butter. Four minutes of pressure and then the cheese, some evaporated milk and a little yogurt went in. I transferred it to two dishes because before serving and am going to throw a bit more cheese and Panko on top to give it a crust. It is so wonderful to feel good. Almost scary. Next week looms in the back of my mind but i try not to dwell on it. And I have measures lined up to try to keep me from getting too sick. I had a long chat with my friends Nancy and Paul yesterday. They are both cancer survivors. One thing that mystifi...

The closest to normal since all this began. Oh my goodness! I generally expect to feel good on Tuesdays when they load me up with fluids and steroids. And this week was no exception. But it kept getting better! Yes, I still get tired and need naps. Yes, I still need to sit down more frequently. But I feel good! Acupuncture on Friday was a great session. I’m starting to have some neuropathy, mostly in my feet, and Angie worked on that as well as getting my blood flow going. Something seems to be happening because my perennially cold feet are not nearly so bad. And I cooked this week a couple of times and I am very conscious of eating well. I put on a little weight and that’s good. This is no time for me to be worrying about weight gain. I eat, I stay strong. This weekend was wonderful. Yesterday, Jerry and I walked over to Blue Moon Cafe for lunch. I did get a little winded, and on the way back I had to sit down for a minute, but it was a beautiful day and I was so glad to be out ...

I joined two ovarian cancer groups on Facebook when I was first diagnosed. I was seeking information and the comfort knowing I wasn’t alone. And I reality, I have gotten some good information and more than my share of comfort. I am cheered when my Ca-125 numbers go down and told how cute I look in my beret. I’m encouraged to hydrate and not to google too much. But there is something to having spent a good bit of my career at academic medical institutions. I see posts about the latest treatment in Mexico or the Gorman diet or how homeopathy will cure my cancer. And I want to shout oh please! And at least once, in response to someone’s post about the “hidden secrets doctors don’t want you to know about cancer,” I did type, bullshit. And today I did it again. Someone posted about a study of 66 women who went on a Ketogenic diet and it helped their ovarian cancer. There were actually no stats or results included, but she was very excited and said she felt she “won the lottery.” I was n...

And Mojitos, or at least half of one. After the lengthened chemo light day, I was feeling great. We had reservations at Rachel for dinner with our neighbors, Ray and Irene, and I was looking forward to pasta and good wine. But that was not meant to be. We got a call saying Rachel would not be open because almost everyone had cancelled reservations because of the icy weather. I understood, though was disappointed. So Jerry and I went in search of an alternative. We ultimately settled on Little Havana, just a few blocks down the hill from us. It’s quasi Latin food and mostly a bar. But we really wanted to go out and it was close. We slid down the hill to dinner and there were a few other couples having dinner and a handful of people at the bar. Little Havana is definitely not a place to drink wine. I considered a Dark and Stormy, which is ginger beer and rum, but when they told me the “ginger beer”came out of the tank, I decided on a Mojito. I don’t know if it was too sweet or I’m s...

Today was chemo light. I was actually looking forward to it because I knew the steroids would perk me up. Of late, walking across a room has winded me and steps are out of the question. So steroids and fluids sounded good. My goddess clinical trial nurse, Amy, came to see me. I told her my issues, but by now I had been given steroids so a walk wearing the pulse-ox showed no change. One of the residents came to see me and she was going to consult with Dr. T about a chest x-ray. I was kind of thinking this was overkill and I’m just weak from not eating enough and lying around too much, but she had made up her mind. Chemo was, indeed, short, but I had to wait to hear back to see if I needed a chest x-ray. And we waited. And waited. One hour approached two. We finally heard back and they wanted me to get the x-ray. Thank goodness my infusion nurse looked into it and found no one had put in the order, so she did. I’d likely still be sitting there. At least they decided I could go home and...

My good friend Kathleen reminded me of the cumulative effects of chemo. I so expected to be back to my old self today. And in some ways I am. I’m not nauseated. I’m just exhausted. Walking across the room is difficult. Heading up the stairs impossible. Needless to say, no going out to the movies tonight. She also reminded me I have got to drink more water. This is a constant theme. Drink drink drink! Flush that crap out! We made a pact with each other to fill a half gallon container tomorrow morning and make sure we finish the whole thing. I have got to feel better. I have got to stop being so exhausted. But I also have to give myself a break. This isn’t easy, but it’s not forever. I can do this.

What a difference those things make! I got up this morning feeling oh so much more human. My body is replenished and I headed downstairs— not in the elevator— and made a cappuccino! First one in days and it tasted good. I ate it all yesterday. Sometimes I didn’t want it but I knew I needed protein and calories. My weight is dropping and this is no time to worry about how my jeans fit. In reality, they are baggy. The Cipro is likely out of my system and the Carboplatin is on its way out as well. Next week is chemo light and I will take advantage. I will walk as much as I can and eat healthy, good things. Although tonight is movie night so that means popcorn for dinner! I’ll eat well beforehand. I promise!

With one day left of a more than two week regimen of Cipro, I decided to stop it. I can’t take any more. Coupled with my heavy chemo week I am exhausted, weak and unable to eat. I have been making myself eat today— cheese, turkey bacon, even a disgusting Ensure. I have got to get some strength back. And I’m giving up on the snickerdoodles. My acupuncturist is looking into getting me some CPB. Though I think no more Cipro will help. And, as usual, Jerry goes above and beyond. I am so lucky to have him. He made me the turkey bacon this morning, and is sitting across from me just in case I need something. I’m going to get him to help me take a stroll around the living room. I know the more I move the better I will be.

Or I should say a quarter of a snickerdoodle laced with a certain substance to help me feel better. And it seems to be working. This is my second attempt to see if marijuana might help, and this time it is. Thursday after mega chemo has not been a good day. Today started out okay, but despite steroids and an anti-nausea drug I was sinking lower— nausea and a feeling like I had the flu. So I figured why not give it another try. I have vague memories of the munchies from the ‘70s, and while I wouldn’t call it that, I did just have some cheese and a piece of challah. And my fingers are tingly and I feel a little high. So I feel somewhat better though next time maybe just a bite of a cookie. Not really liking the “high”feeling, though it does beat feeling sick.

The combination of no chemo last week and the steroids at this week’s left me wanting to eat everything. And I did. I had packed breakfast of yogurt and fruit, which normally would have done it for the day. But not today. Jerry got me a southwest chicken panini and I ate it all. And then some cookies. Knowing I would feel good, we made plans to go to a neighborhood restaurant, Rachel, with our neighbors Ray and Irene. Tuesdays are pasta and half price wine night. I had a delicious cheesy dish of pasta and roasted vegetables, wine and two pieces of bread, this is the absolute most I can remember eating in I’m not sure how long. More than I eat prior to the cancer. I now understand why some people gain weight during chemo. Until tonight I didn’t have a clue. But tonight I was so happy to feel good, be among friends and really enjoy myself. We will see what tomorrow brings.

Today was chemo marathon day and everything that goes with it, including extensive blood work yesterday. My CA-125 is 16! Well within normal range! I know it’s not a definitive test, but it makes me very happy. Mondays tend to be good days, so after having blood work done Jerry and I went to a matinee. Black Panther was great! Then we came home and reheated lasagne I made a couple days ago. It was yummy and we had a Ravenswood Zinfandel with it. I tend to steer away from Ravenswood, but it recently got a good write up and this one was from Lodi, so gave it a chance. Inexpensive and delicious. Tonight we are going to dinner with neighbors Ray and Irene. I have not told them yet about the cancer, so tonight will be the night. But I look and feel good so it shouldn’t be much of a jolt. Despite being wired I am also tired, so going to try to take a nap.

Today, I had what has been the closest thing to a normal day in what seems forever. I met a friend at Starbucks and I ate coffee cake. I had tea with it, but I don’t think that’s cheating. We chatted and caught up and it felt like two friends on any given day meeting at Starbucks. Then, I went to Trader Joe’s. I walked up and down the aisles and bought all kinds of good things— organic apples and tomatoes, challah for French Toast, eggs, even toilet paper. Then, I made my first trip to BARCS since this all started. They put a call out on Facebook for Miralax, something some of the kitties need every day. I happen to have a ridiculous amount so I took over a large unopened container.I also stopped by the trailer and saw Grace. It was wonderful to see her;I miss her so much. And soon, despite having a headache and feeling pretty tired I am going to head into the kitchen and make dinner. I’m going to let Jerry work on whatever it is he’s working on, and I’m going to make a simple, bu...

The last two nights in my own bed have been bliss. A kitty curled up between us, no one waking me up to take my blood pressure; no IV pole to drag to the bathroom. And skipping chemo this week feels like a forbidden pleasure. But then, of course, there’s the Cipro. Without it, I’d feel normal, but it’s giving me diarrhea, a headache, and a generally unwell feeling. But not bad enough to skip pizza. Jerry made a delicious pizza with red onions and mushrooms last night. Had wine been open I might have even had an ounce or two. But I had a big glass of water which I know is far better for me. It’s raining today so I am staying home. Another day to think about things. I got a call yesterday from my primary care physician’s office, asking me how I was. Weird. And it brought up, once again, my feelings about her. When I first met Dr. A I was so impressed. She would call me to check in. She was thorough. But perhaps her practice has grown, or, I don’t know what because my last appointmen...

The latest is, I will be sprung at 1 pm, which will likely mean 3, or 4. I am so ready. I am bathed, dressed and antsy. There are still a few things up in the air, the most important being if missing a week of chemo will change the schedule or affect the clinical trial I am in. I hope to find out today, but will find out eventually. These past few days, once I started feeling better, gave me a lot of time to think, which is sometimes good, sometimes not great. I had more than a few moments of despair. I actually feel good now and I don’t look forward to being made sick by chemo again. But unless I want to give up, I’ve got to press on. I do realize I need more help. There is a center for people undergoing cancer treatment and I know now I can’t delay visiting it. They also have programs for caregivers and I am encouraging Jerry to go with me. We have just begun this journey and we are exhausted, particularly from this past week. So it’s time to reach out for help and to do things ...

And it feels so good. While there is still a hose coming from my port, I have been untethered from the I.V. Pole, and I feel so free! I am getting switched to oral antibiotics, and if all goes well, I go home tomorrow. Of course, I wish it were today but I’ll take what I can get. There is a really good team here and they have worked hard to get me better. I have been given shots to boost my white count so now I can actually see lips move when people talk to me. And while,the care is phenomenal, the food sucks. I mean, it’s bad. And takes as long as two hours after you order to get it. Now that I am free of encumberance, I am going to get cleaned up, put on real clothing and go to Balducci’s, the on site deli/restaurant for lunch. Perhaps something besides overcooked chicken breast or undercooked baked potato will entice me. Food is so important to me, and right now, it is just turning me off. My appetite is understandably waning, but to not even want to read about food is so unlike ...

Just when you think things are getting better... They are not. I had been having bouts of shivering and when my temp went up to 101 my nurse told me to come into the special urgent care center next to the infusion center. I was so weak and sick Jerry had valet park the car and got a wheelchair for me. We got there so fast the paperwork wasn’t even in the system yet. Wonderful to live so close to a place where I spend so much time. But hey, I also live close to a library and a doughnut shop. I’d rather have to go there. Hopkins is truly a wonderful place. They started loading me with fluids and drew blood to figure out what was going on. My temperature continued to rise so next came the Tylenol and ice packs. And they checked me in. It didn’t take long for them to figure out it was a bacterial infection, and today it was narrowed down to a UTI. No surprise. I used to have them chronically, and with my white count so low anything is hard to fight off. Everyone coming into the room ...